waste

It's a tragedy to see a wasted mind and a wasted spirit.

I hope to never be one.

sometimes we just need to scream

I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not an easy person to deal with when it comes to any form of relationship. I live life in a lucid dream and make up stories in my head on a regular basis. To my credit, I would have stopped making up stories if they never came true--unfortunately, they come true a little too often.

HOWEVER. I do exaggerate simple situations. When I'm stressed out, I do that a lot.

Now, my brain operates by a finely tuned symphony of lists, schedules, and itineraries. When I have a particularly large amount of coursework due, the tuning becomes finer and I tend to go into emotional shutdown--bottling up emotions for when I have time to feel them, reserving as much energy as possible for the time being. This may sound unhealthy, but...eh, you're right. But I've been this way since I was a kid and I'll probably never change.

Sometimes I forget that other people do not operate like my brain. They do not have compartmentalized thoughts, feelings, and plans, and cannot read my lists. And sometimes I decide that it is a good idea to let people know of the list in my head. Unfortunately, I don't add the reasoning behind my itineraries and therefore it is often misconstrued. Why is this more important than that, why are you doing this instead of that, etc etc etc. Trust me. There's a reason. I just don't want to have to explain it.

So, as these things inevitably end up, life explodes into a fireball of emotion and miscommunication and irrationality.

The good thing is that these feelings rarely last more than a few hours now. Before I started practicing, I could stew for weeeeks. Talk about unhealthy.

In the end, lots of yelling, screaming, and tears result. The bottled up emotions come spewing out like hastily opened tonic water and sprays us all in the face.

My conclusion? If we can't understand each other, sometimes we just need to yell and scream and cry. And then apologize. Still working on that part, but I think I'm getting better.

finding a balance

My dad says I don't update my blog enough. So does my wonderful friend Ilan!

I mean, I guess that is true. Between blogs, facebook notes, facebook updates, and emails, I DO in fact update quite a bit...but one form of communication? That is soooo 1999 ;)

For the past few years, I have found that there comes a time when I seriously re-evaluate my priorities and try to keep myself in check. My personality is to charge full speed ahead, completely unaware of the effects on others, and try to get things DONE. I'm trying to balance my personality with thought and spirit.

I've been doing that these past few weeks. I am trying to find a balance in working on my self and working on my relationships with others. It's a slow and arduous process, but I am finding myself happier and more complete. Go figure!

I found that I had neglected many friendships. I also found that I was frustrated with things that I had no control over. My solution has been to make an effort to catch up with friends and let them know that I'm there for them--knowing that all I can do is offer, not force. The results have been astounding and I am so incredibly grateful for the people that I have in my life.

I'm a really lucky girl.