It's a tragedy to see a wasted mind and a wasted spirit.
I hope to never be one.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
sometimes we just need to scream
I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not an easy person to deal with when it comes to any form of relationship. I live life in a lucid dream and make up stories in my head on a regular basis. To my credit, I would have stopped making up stories if they never came true--unfortunately, they come true a little too often.
HOWEVER. I do exaggerate simple situations. When I'm stressed out, I do that a lot.
Now, my brain operates by a finely tuned symphony of lists, schedules, and itineraries. When I have a particularly large amount of coursework due, the tuning becomes finer and I tend to go into emotional shutdown--bottling up emotions for when I have time to feel them, reserving as much energy as possible for the time being. This may sound unhealthy, but...eh, you're right. But I've been this way since I was a kid and I'll probably never change.
Sometimes I forget that other people do not operate like my brain. They do not have compartmentalized thoughts, feelings, and plans, and cannot read my lists. And sometimes I decide that it is a good idea to let people know of the list in my head. Unfortunately, I don't add the reasoning behind my itineraries and therefore it is often misconstrued. Why is this more important than that, why are you doing this instead of that, etc etc etc. Trust me. There's a reason. I just don't want to have to explain it.
So, as these things inevitably end up, life explodes into a fireball of emotion and miscommunication and irrationality.
The good thing is that these feelings rarely last more than a few hours now. Before I started practicing, I could stew for weeeeks. Talk about unhealthy.
In the end, lots of yelling, screaming, and tears result. The bottled up emotions come spewing out like hastily opened tonic water and sprays us all in the face.
My conclusion? If we can't understand each other, sometimes we just need to yell and scream and cry. And then apologize. Still working on that part, but I think I'm getting better.
HOWEVER. I do exaggerate simple situations. When I'm stressed out, I do that a lot.
Now, my brain operates by a finely tuned symphony of lists, schedules, and itineraries. When I have a particularly large amount of coursework due, the tuning becomes finer and I tend to go into emotional shutdown--bottling up emotions for when I have time to feel them, reserving as much energy as possible for the time being. This may sound unhealthy, but...eh, you're right. But I've been this way since I was a kid and I'll probably never change.
Sometimes I forget that other people do not operate like my brain. They do not have compartmentalized thoughts, feelings, and plans, and cannot read my lists. And sometimes I decide that it is a good idea to let people know of the list in my head. Unfortunately, I don't add the reasoning behind my itineraries and therefore it is often misconstrued. Why is this more important than that, why are you doing this instead of that, etc etc etc. Trust me. There's a reason. I just don't want to have to explain it.
So, as these things inevitably end up, life explodes into a fireball of emotion and miscommunication and irrationality.
The good thing is that these feelings rarely last more than a few hours now. Before I started practicing, I could stew for weeeeks. Talk about unhealthy.
In the end, lots of yelling, screaming, and tears result. The bottled up emotions come spewing out like hastily opened tonic water and sprays us all in the face.
My conclusion? If we can't understand each other, sometimes we just need to yell and scream and cry. And then apologize. Still working on that part, but I think I'm getting better.
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