It's funny how my life has "themes."
This has been my theme for the past few years. This will also be the theme of my future.
This correlates to the following Confucian principle: In order to change the world, you have to change your nation. In order to change your nation, you have to change your state. In order to change your state, you have to change your community. In order to change your community, you have to change you friends. In order to change your friends, you have to change your family. In order to change your family, you have to change your self.
I will be the first to admit that plenty of my knowledge has been force fed to me through my education. But not this one. This one actually struck a chord through church, believe it or not. As anti-Church as I am, it did teach me life principles....not so much the church, but the regurgitation of God's word throughout my childhood...at least something stuck. The overarching theme of being the "light of the world."
Eph 5:8-14a (Phi) Once you were "darkness", but now as Christians you are "light". Live then as children of the light. The light produces in men all that is good and right and true. Let your lives be living proofs of the things which please God. Steer clear of the fruitless activities of darkness; let your lives expose their futility. (You know the sort of things I mean; to detail their secret doings is too shameful to mention.) For light is capable of showing everything for what it really is. It is even possible for light to turn the thing it shines upon into light also.
Gandhi makes it more...."politically correct." Sad, eh?
For 18 years of my life, I lived a very secluded life. I still live a secluded life, but thank the good Lord I have changed certain elements. I used to keep my distance from my family, keep loose ties with friends, and not care about my community. Then I moved away. Slowly but surely, I realized that the people who will be there when you have no where else to go are the people in your family. One of the hardest things in my life was to suck it up, put my pride aside, and work on relationships with my family. It took a lot of effort, but slowly I believe that these relationships are growing.
Not to go all mushy on you or anything.
But there are many many things that I realize about myself that I dislike.
Here I am with all of these idealistic dreams, realistic goals, and I have yet to focus on changing myself.
- I live in Williamsburg, in the Hasidic part. I have found myself expressing so much...dislike towards these people. The fact that they, yes as a generality, find themselves to be superior, upholding every stereotype I have ever seen makes me sad. I came into this neighborhood understanding that I was part of the "gentrification," and that I was intruding--but they have left me with such a negative view, I can't be anything but sad. Sad that I myself have the capacity to dislike an entire group of people for the way they act towards me. Sad for this community for being so standoffish and close minded.
- I have allowed myself to become too busy to communicate with others. All it takes is a simple phone call, a random e-mail, just a "hey, how are you doing?" and yet I've become too busy. I wasn't there for people who needed me the most. People that I consider my best friends, people I consider my only constants...and I let them down. I let myself down.
- I am mean to people, men in particular. It is always a game. But here's the thing. I don't like being put on a pedestal. I hate it when people only see the surface. I hate it when people don't take me seriously. I hate it when people think that I am this amazing person, when they think they are so lucky to "have" me. First of all, no one can ever "have" me. Second of all, I am not that amazing. My reaction to this unrealistic view/expectation of me is to retaliate. Not react, retaliate. It's like I'm punishing them for thinking that I am some great person. I mean...in retrospect, that's not very nice.
- I'm selfish. I only do things that make me feel good. And that's not right either. I mean, I want to go into the humanitarian aid field to help people because, as a pure selfish motive, it makes me feel good about myself. How disgusting is that?
So, clearly I have not even STARTED to change myself. How do I expect to change the world? We all claim that we want peace...but look at ourselves. We fight over stupid, meaningless things. We get angry over parking spots. We destroy friendships over rumors. How can such a negative society even think about world peace?
I am not a positive person. I am an extremely flawed person. I am a hypocrite. I complain about everything. Nothing is every good enough. I get unreasonably angry when people don't understand my dayplanner. I get unreasonable angry when my roommate doesn't wash dishes.
How am I supposed to help others?
I read a book last summer and realized something. The only thing that I can do is to be myself. I can be myself and hope that it affects others. Because no matter how much I try to change myself, my family, my community, nation, or world, the most that I can do is be myself. How I represent myself is how people will see me and how people will associate my work. If I am a negative person doing "good" things, that work will take on a negative undertone.
So in order to be myself, I have to learn some things about myself.
This summer I am moving to Reno. After Reno I will be moving to Ghana. A large portion of my moving to Reno is to really get to know myself, come to terms with the personality traits my genes have given me and dilute those traits that I have developed over time. It's a lot. It's necessary. It will take a lot of time. As I described in my Myspace, I need everyone around me the next three months to bear with me. Because I am trying...and that's all that I can do. Try.
The theme for 2008 is Patience and Tolerance. I invite you to join me in the journey.
Namaste.
